bad blood

i loved him before, i think. i recalled sitting on his shoulders while we walk towards his car in the morning. i remembered him holding my hands whenever we were out. he gave in to all my tantrums.

however, that was all in the past. things became different when i was in primary school. i used to think it was because of wee that things turned out this way, but i guess maybe it was just me. i dunno. but the fact remains and wee will always be the apple of his eyes.

all that scolding and beating that he gave me made me hate him. i would retaliate him in every possible way. i argued as loud as my lungs could support me. i threw punches and kicks with all my might. i went to my friend's place to seek refuge. i complained to my friend on the phone about him in front of him. i tried so many things but lost. i was too young.

he might not be always wrong in punishing me, but must he be so harsh? he striked the cane so hard that they left scars on my legs for days. he used his bare hands and slapped me hard. and did i really deserve that pinch on my thigh which bled when i was in p6?

there seemed to be this scar left in me after all that had happened in the past. however, i cannot say i hate him now for i know deep down in me, something tells me otherwise. i can wedge a cold war with him, i can ignore his existence. but what if something were to happen to him, what should i do? i do not want to live a life filled with regrets.

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thursday 210607
i quarrelled with him. it was because he had left my bag on my bed. my bed might not be sterilised but at least it was cleaner than my bag. when i asked him "是不是你把我的bag放在我的bed?", he replied with "我忘记了". it was fucking sickening! that was like the most retarded reply! I argued with him and he cut the quarrel with "这是我的家, 你要你滚出去!"

and so the battle begins..